Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Something's in my throat....

I'm forcing myself to sit down tonight and blog about this. It drives me nuts to blog out of order, but I had to get this down or I never would. I still have to blog about the weekend, but that will have to come another day...can't handle it tonight. Okay, so back to today.

We are starting Week 2 in our new karate schedule. When the boys had their last rank test and promoted to the next higher belts, it put them into two different classes now. They've been together for most of the last year, but now Josiah has to move to a higher class. It's thrown my whole schedule off. We've about got it figured out...I think....but I keep going back and forth. I know it's only temporary (once Jacob has his NEXT belt test, he'll be back in the same class with Josiah again) but it's making me crazy. I'm still trying to keep it to two days a week, so there is a class on Friday afternoons that is open to all ranks - both boys will do that class. Then on Tuesdays, Jacob's class is from 3-3:45 and Josiah's class is 4:45-5:45. For the hour in between today, we headed to the library and got new books so that worked out fine. It makes for a long afternoon for all of us to be gone, but it's okay. The only other wrinkle is that the boys REALLY want to add Sparring. We've been told it's not required until the Green Belt, but is open to Orange Belts and above. It adds another class during the week. Something I'm not super excited about, but the boys have been talking about it for a long time. It also requires a purchase of some safety gear (about $60-$80 per kid for a set of gear) which I'm also not super thrilled about. We have talked over and over about it. But wasn't ready to make a decision about it. Was trying to wait until school was out. Until today.

Jacob had his class first. He did great. Headed to the library. Got new books. All was well. Headed back for Josiah's class and everything was fine. First 20 minutes go by. All smiles. Then Sensei tells them they're going to be working on some of their self-defense moves and says for everyone who has sparring gear, to go put on their headgear and their mouthguards. My heart sank when i saw every other kid EXCEPT for JOSIAH run back excitedly to get their stuff. He just stood there. I wanted to cry. I knew his heart was broken. Sensei told him he could still practice the take-downs, but no one could take HIM down. Again, he just sort of stood there. Silent. Shoulders slumped. Keep in mind that this is only his 2nd time in this class. All new kids. He's still getting used to being in there. And now he felt like he was totally the odd man out. It makes me want to cry typing it now. I took Caleb outside to run around for a few minutes and when I came back in, Josiah came over to me (which he NEVER has done in the middle of class) and said very quietly "Mom, I think I feel a little bit sick." I asked him what didn't feel good, and he said "It feels like there is something in my throat." I thought I was going to burst into tears right there - I think he was feeling that "lump in your throat" feeling when you are about to cry but are trying really hard not to. Sensei noticed and came over and talked to him and told him he was doing great and that he just happened to be in a class where they all had the gear (his other class at this level has only half the kids with gear....), etc, etc. Poor Josiah. I told him to get a drink of water and sit down and watch the kids for a minute (I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to throw up or something). Sensei came and got him in a few minutes and had him do some of the moves and was trying to encourage him and bring him back up....but it was too late. Josiah was just absolutely crushed and lost all confidence.

I hate that feeling - I know that feeling and it's awful. And to watch your child feel that way - talk about rip your heart out! When we were doing "highs" and "lows" at dinner, Josiah hesitated about saying his "low" - I know he was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it, but he finally did say it. I told him that was my "low" too! Man. Rough afternoon.


Courtney said...

oh, katy! now I have something in MY throat! SO Sad! i'm sure you handled it beautifully...but i know it hurt SO much! it's so hard to see our kids like that...but i also think it's good for them - every now and then. AND..you were THERE and he knew you LOVED him...that's worth a LOT!

Judy said...

Whew...that was even tough for me to read. Oh I know just how your heart felt.
I'm with Courtney...it was probably good for him to work through some of those emotions because the world will not always be gentle with him, but man that's hard. Character building, but hard. Sounds like Sensei was sensitive to the situation too, which I'm sure helped.
I'm so glad you blogged it. One day Josiah will read this post and see your love to him through you words!!

anthonyandbeth said...

Aw man. I totally want to cry right now. That must have been so hard to watch. :-(. It's so HARD to see and KNOW our children are hurting. Life is HARD! Love that boy!!!

sandi said...

geez! now i want to cry right along with you my friend! so hard to see our children like that. learning lessons like that are just as hard on us as they are on them.